audiotester

So I got my posting to army and itapos;s the 3rd of December. Iapos;m kinda past the phase where I was in 1. Utter disbelief 2. Totally disgusted with army 3. Extremely disappointed at not being able to go for prom and buy new clothes 4. Numbed 5. Regretting that Iapos;m fat.

Now I�just wanna get over with it. Stop thinking about it. Maybe when I come out Iapos;ll be skinny or whatever. Haha. My only gripe now is the ticket for prom. Itapos;s so expensive ><. Maybe Iapos;ll get my bro to go and then ask him to help me collect the lucky draw prize lol.

Mmm. I�must be a good boy, and I must remain cheerfully optimistic despite the circumstances. And I�feel horribly ashamed of myself for being so whiny. Especially sorry to Cornelius, whom I�started ranting to non-stop. Haha maybe itapos;s because I know he doesnapos;t really like army either and also because heapos;s the only one whoapos;d understand. I mean, I�have a mum who goes, "youapos;re going in early as punishment for being fat" and a brother who goes, "fatty pig, go army early HAHA" and itapos;s kinda mean. Itapos;s like. I KNOW, DAMN IT. As if I wasnapos;t feeling miserable enough.

Truth is, I might seem confident about myself, about my weight and everything, but somehow I do know that Iapos;ve always longed to be slimmer (no need taller haha). Itapos;s nice having to wear a belt once in a while just to show how I actually need one. But my big fat butt just gets in the way so I donapos;t even need a belt lol.

But I�refuse to give in to such foolish thoughts. Iapos;m me. JOSHUAA. I�may not be handsome, I�may not be hot, and I�may be the fattest bum on earth (actually no, Iapos;m just exaggerating), but hopefully�I was able to make someone smile, somehow. Then perhaps that makes up for all my physical deficiencies. And yet itapos;d be nice if people actually reassure me once in a while to tell me not to care about what I�look and that they love me for who I�am inside (which is quite rotten actually, but Iapos;m sure thereapos;s at least one thing good about me on the inside)

Oh crap. Iapos;m making myself feel emo as I type this and I actually want to cry haha. But I�will stop typing about such stuff so that I�donapos;t cry. I cry too much already (yes yes Iapos;m a wimp) but thatapos;s about the only way I�can deal with stress/emotional hurt/boredom.

So.. JOSHUA YOU WILL BE HAPPY YOU WILL BE NICE TO PEOPLE AND YOU WILL LOVE THOSE WHO DONapos;T LOVE YOU Yupp Iapos;ll try. Even if itapos;s hard sometimes, Iapos;ll try.

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