Why is it that I find it so hard to be content with the world? I filled an empty void that harbored a grip in my soul with a new found addiction. His name is not up for discussion. The rest of this will just be a rampage of emotion. Itapos;s the only ONLY way I know how to put the past behind me, and try for the life of me to move on after 204 days full of angst, fury, and tears that never seem to end. And so it begins...
I remember the first day I laid eyes on you. I was in my stockroom putting up shipment, and you were waiting by my desk. I walked by you and tried not to let my jaw drop. You were what I call "gorgeous". I told you hello. Thatapos;s all I could come up with to say to you. You had me tongue-tied. Iapos;ve never been that way before. I was excited to have a new person come in and work for a week. You liked me from the start, and I as did I. We had a connection that could not be ignored. I had a boyfriend, and you had a girlfriend back home. We clicked on so many different things. The last day you came across the hall where I was just to tell me bye and give me a hug. I didnapos;t want you to leave. I found a new friend for once in my life, and you had to go back to LA. You left me your number back in the office. I put it to good use. We became texting buddies. Then you came back. You came back one night, and I was ecstatic. I ran and gave you the biggest hug I think I had ever given anyone. You stayed in town for a week, and I snuck around every day to see you. My boyfriend hated you. He hated that you were in town. We went to dinner one night, and you asked me every night to come back to your hotel. I couldnapos;t give in. When you left, I cried my eyes out for a week. I was so sad that someone I had grown so close to had left me. All the good ones leave me. You fought inside not to kiss me goodbye when I left you that Saturday afternoon. Nothing in me wanted you to leave. I wanted my boyfriend to disappear so I could have you. We still casually texted, until I called you one night in February crying my eyes out.
I got your voicemail, and I could not bring myself to leave you one. I thought in my head that of course the time when I needed someone, no one was there. I went home, laid in bed and cried my eyes out. I rolled over when I got a text from you. We texted for hours that night. I told you all about what happened. About me breaking up with Chris, what he did, how much I missed you, and my conspiracy to escape down to LA to see you. I wanted to see you so bad. You were the only one I could think of through this whole mess. You kept telling me how much you liked me. How much you wanted to be with me. How much you wanted to kiss me when you were in town. How much you wished I would sneak away to LA. My plan worked. I went down to Vburg, and I finally saw you again.
That day was perfect. I ran up to your car, and I could not stop smiling. Nothing could stop me from smiling. I finally saw you, and I knew you wanted me. I hugged you so tight. I did not want to get back in Lilyapos;s car for those short 5 minutes. I wanted o be with you, in your arms, kissing those amazing lips. I got my chance. I finally kissed you. You finally held me in your arms. I spent the whole night in your arms just kissing you as I never wanted that night to end. Morning came, and you had to get back to LA. I was sad to see you go, but I saw you again in a week. This time I went to LA and stayed with you. The memories are all to vivid. We watched TV all night as you just held me in your arms. We took a nap, and wound up fooling around in the bed. I thought for sure this could be something. After I left that next day, I went back to Vburg, and all I wanted to do was cry. I didnapos;t know when I would see you next. I missed you. I wanted to be with you so bad. I wanted to call you my own. But of course distance would tear us apart. I came back a month later. This time was different. I stayed with you for two nights. I met all your amazing friends. We went out to Library. Had some drinks, did some bars, and screwed. I left April 6th never to see you again.
I think about that everyday. We talked over some texts a few times over the next month, but you faded. You started ignoring my texts. You didnapos;t even seem to care. You took what you wanted and fled. You hurt me. You hurt me more than any person ever possibly could. I hate you for that. I hate that I have cried at least 50 times over the fact that you took something I can NEVER get back. Itapos;s not that you took that away from me. Itapos;s the fact that you did it the way you did. I thought you cared about me. I thought you liked me. You always told me how much you liked me and cared about me. All you were doing was lying to me to get me to sleep with you. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I live with that everyday. I hate you. I hate you more than anything else on this planet. Fuck you. Fuck you and everything you are. You are a piece of filth. You have made me cry more tears than I thought was possible. I always told myself I would never cry this much over a guy, but 204 days later and I still am. Iapos;m crying as I write this. You took a piece of me that I held so dear to my heart. It is so hard for me not to just drive down to LA and beat the shit out of you because that is what you deserve. You made me feel like a piece of ass because to you that is all I am. I am something you get pleasure out of then you crumble up and throw away. You crumbled my heart into a thousand pieces. I thought we had something, but now all I know are lies. You are a worthless person in my eyes. Itapos;s not like you care or anything. I cannot believe anyone could do this to another person. Iapos;ve thought about it every night for 204 straight nights. Every little thing reminds me of you. A white tahoe, a LA license plate, journeys, lucky hoodies, baseball, My Name is Jonas, Guitar Hero, popcorn chicken from Sonic, even Little Miss Sunshine. I hate you. I fucking hate you. But somehow by the grace of God, I forgive you. I forgive what you did, but I refuse to ever let you get away with it. If by some way we see each other again, know that you will have hell to pay. Maybe the saying "karma is a bitch" really is true in some cases. I just want you to know how much you have hurt someone. Someone that cared about you despite all your flaws. Someone who wanted you. Someone who cared about everything that had to do with you. Someone who wanted to be with you despite the fact that I might get caught. I fell for every single one of your tricks, and I feel so ashamed. I have never regretted anything until this. I didnapos;t regret it at first, but now I do. I cannot believe the whole situation. I just want to stop thinking about it, but no matter what I do, it just comes back. Fuck you. Fuck you and everything you are.
Iapos;ve wanted to say that to your face for 204 days. I hope youapos;re happy. Know that I forgive you, but I donapos;t care about you. I hope you get what you deserve you piece of scum.
esca clapham, esca and new york, esca and marcus, esca agency, esca ade.
